How Good HIndsight
by allthingsmagical
Summary: Merlin makes the decision to not tell Arthur of his feelings, especially when he doesn't know how strong said feelings are, but after nearly losing Arthur, Merlin realises what those feelings are and tells Arthur why he has the chance.


_**I don't own Merlin. (Sadly)**_

_**Summary: Merlin makes the decision to not tell Arthur of his feelings, especially when he doesn't know how strong said feelings are, but after nearly losing Arthur, Merlin realises what those feelings are and tells Arthur why he has the chance.**_

_**This is request by Tasha Hill and is therefore dedicated to her. I hope you like what I have done with your idea.**_

_**This is set after Series 1 Episode 13 so it has some spoilers. You have been warned.**_

_**Light malexmale. Mpreg.**_

_**I apologise in advance for any mistakes I may have made**_

* * *

As soon as Gaius and Merlin enter Camelot once more Merlin saw to Gaius and did what Gaius told him to do to ensure that Gaius would be fine.

"Merlin!"

Merlin turned and saw Gaius holding up the letter that Merlin had read before taking after the physician. "What?"

"This letter mentions you are a warlock, you just left it on the table here for anyone to see, we are lucky no one walked in, anyone could have seen this."

"I didn't think Gaius. I just read that you were going to the isle of the blessed to trade in your life for my mother's and I had to get to you and stop you. I just dropped the letter as soon as I read it and ran."

Gaius sighed. "Thank you my boy."

"No Gaius. Thank you. You sacrificed your life for my mother's."

"You would have been lost without her."

"I would, but I would have also been lost without you."

"I know of another you would have been lost without." Gaius said as he took the potion Merlin handed to him.

"What do you mean?"

"Willing to sacrifice your life for Arthur's without a second thought, not caring if you would die just as long as he would be safe."

Merlin dropped his head. "If I ignore it Gaius it will go, these... feelings I have for him."

"Merlin, it would do you more harm than good if you ignored them and denied what you really feel."

Merlin looked up at his mentor with tears in his eyes. "I nearly lost him Gaius, if he died a huge part of me would have as well, I knew I felt something but it wasn't until he got bit and was close to death that I realised what those feelings were. It made me think Gaius."

"About what?"

"About telling him how I really feel, I got to thinking if I lost him and he never knew I didn't know what I would do, had all those chances to tell him and never did. But I can't tell him. A man loving another?"

"There is nothing wrong with that Merlin; there are a couple of knights here who are together romantically."

"Really? It's allowed?"

"Yes Merlin."

"How is Arthur with the knights who are together romantically?"

"He is always laughing and joking with them so it shows it doesn't bother him, Uther treats them no different either." Gaius placed his hand on Merlin's knee. "Go and see him Merlin. If you tell him and he doesn't feel the same then you know where you stand."

"Not until you are back on your feet again."

"Ah you are actually back from the tavern then?"

Merlin turned and saw Arthur stood in the doorway. "Gaius are you alright?"

"No Arthur he isn't. I have just got him back."

"Back? From where?"

"Isle of the blessed." Gaius said.

"Gaius..." Merlin started.

"No Merlin, no more lies. Arthur wants to know why I am like this."

"I do." Arthur closed the door and sat down facing the old man and his servant. "Please?"

"When you got bit Arthur Merlin knew of one thing that would save you. He knew he had to travel to the Isle of the blessed, there he knew he would meet Nimueh."

"The woman I met when I got the flower for Merlin?"

"Yes."

"Merlin she is a sorceress and an evil one. Why would you go and see her."

"To trade my life for yours. You are the future King of Camelot Arthur I am nothing, you had to live."

"Merlin -"

"I came back with the cure and gave it to you, when Gaius told me you lived I then went to bed expecting to die."

"But Nimueh being how she was decided to take Merlin's mother's life for yours Arthur." Gaius said.

"Hunith. Merlin is she -?"

"She's alive and well and probably still asleep in my room."

Arthur looked away from them both and looked at the closed door that led to Merlin's room. "When I found out she was to take my mother's life I was then going to trade my life for hers but when I came to say goodbye to you Gaius left to trade his life for my mother's."

"That's what that speech was when you came to see me? You said all that thinking you were going to die?"

"Yes. Anyway I got back and Gaius left me a note telling me what he was going to do so I went after him... but I was too late, Gaius was dead when I got there, I got angry and Nimueh laughing in my face only made me worse. I killed her Arthur."

Arthur looked from Merlin to Gaius. "A life for a life."

Gaius nodded. "With her dead the balance of the world had been restored, not long after she died I woke up."

"You traded your life, willing gave your life just so I could live?" Arthur asked looking at Merlin.

"Yes."

Arthur opened his mouth to answer when someone knocked on the door and a knight walked in. "Sire, your father requests your presence in the throne room."

Arthur sighed and stood up. "I want you in my chambers within the hour Merlin."

"Yes sire."

* * *

It was over one hour later when Arthur walked into his chambers and saw Merlin sat on the ledge of his window, over half his body hanging out. "Merlin!" he said and rushed forwards and grabbed Merlin pulling him inside. "What are you doing?"

Merlin held up a cloth. "Cleaning your windows. I started to clean whilst waiting for you. What did you think I was doing?"

"I don't know but when I see you hanging out of a window this high up I thought you slipped or something and was falling."

"No I was just cleaning the outside of your windows; it is the only way I can reach them." Merlin looked down and saw that Arthur still had his arms around him. "I am on my own two feet now Arthur and safe."

"I know that."

"Your arms?"

"Oh, sorry." Arthur said and quickly stepped away.

Merlin regretted saying it as he immediately missed the warmth. Merlin frowned when he saw Arthur walk over to the chamber doors and locked it. "Arthur?"

"I am still recovering Merlin, father just wanted to check how I am, tell me about what went on whilst I was on my deathbed, which I no longer am on thanks to you. And that I am to rest for three more days, father wants me to get my strength back and be myself before I start training again."

"Keep your strength up you will need food. I will go and get you some."

"Merlin you are going nowhere. I want to know two things, one how you managed to kill someone as powerful as Nimueh and two, the real reason you was willing to give your life for mine. The reason you did it for your mother was because you love her. What is the reason with me?"

"You are the future King, you need to live. I don't matter."

"You do to me."

Merlin did a double take. "I do?"

"Yes. Now please Merlin."

Merlin sighed and dropped his head. "Same reason with my mother." he whispered, shutting his eyes tight when he heard his Prince gasp. "I am sorry Arthur. I can not help my feelings. Gaius knows how I feel, only because he knows me inside out and knows me better than I know myself, it's what we was talking about before you came in. I felt something for you for a while, it wasn't until you were bit and on your deathbed that I realised what it was I felt for you."

Arthur stepped forwards and raised Merlin's head with his finger and thumb under his chin. "And that feeling was?"

"Love Arthur. I couldn't lose you, my life is nothing compared to yours, as long as you lived that's all I cared about. I was telling Gaius if you had died and I hadn't gotten a chance to tell you I would have hated myself for missing the chance."

"Well we are here now, both alive and well, locked away and not to be disturbed seems like the right time to me."

"Arthur I love you."

Arthur smiled. "It's a good job you do."

Merlin frowned. "Why?"

"Because I would hate to love someone only to know they don't love me in return."

"You love me?"

"Yes." Arthur inched his head forwards and kissed Merlin gently on the lips. "And if you so much as think that your life is nothing compared to mine again we shall be falling out, your life is as precious as any other life if not more. What would I have done if I woke up and found you dead eh?" he asked, resting his forehead against Merlin's.

"Done what is expected of you and carry on. I know you couldn't do what I would have done."

"What would you have done Merlin?"

"Left Camelot. If you had died I wouldn't have been able to continue living here, seeing reminders of you everywhere."

Arthur pulled Merlin into his arms and held him tight. "You will never have to do that. I survived thanks to you we are both alive and well and now together."

"No." Merlin whispered as he stepped out of Arthur's arms. "We can not be together, not until you know all about me."

"But I do know you Merlin. I know everything."

"Except one thing. And when I tell you I fear you will no longer want me, you will either arrest me or tell me to leave."

"Arrest you or tell you to leave? Merlin I don't understand."

"I am a sorcerer Arthur. I have magic. I was born with it."

Arthur made to sit down in shock and Merlin quickly used his magic to make a chair slide across the room and sit behind the blond who sat on it.

Arthur looked around, from the chair, to the table to Merlin. "Did you -?"

"Yes. You would have fallen otherwise."

"Magic."

"I was born with it Arthur. I am not sorry for having it as it has saved you many times, that's how I managed to kill someone as powerful as Nimueh, she underestimated just how powerful I am."

"You're not... dark are you?"

"No Arthur. Never."

Arthur stood up. "Ealdor. That was you, that wind."

"Yes, Will said it was him to protect me." Merlin walked over to Arthur and held his wrists out.

Arthur frowned and looked from the brunets wrists to his piercing blue eyes. "What are you doing?"

"I am a sorcerer. Magic is banned in Camelot, punishable by death."

"That is my father's judgement not mine." Arthur reached out and held Merlin's wrists, running the pads of his thumbs over the pulse points. "What do you use your magic for Merlin?"

"The odd chore, helping you with Valiant, getting rid of the griffin with Lancelot, used magic to save your father when I found out Edwin was behind Morgana's illness, killed Sophia and her father when they went to kill you."

"And that is the only time you use your magic? To kill people when they are a threat to me, my father or to Camelot?"

"Yes Arthur. That is the only time I swear."

"Does anyone know you have magic?"

"Lancelot found out as he heard me saying the spell on the lance and Gaius has known since the first day I arrived."

"All the things you have done Merlin. You are the bravest of us all and I didn't even know." he said as he hugged Merlin tight. "How lucky was I when you walked into Camelot that day and into my life."

"I am the lucky one Arthur."

"Your secret is safe with me Merlin. I will never let anything happen to you Merlin."

"Nor I you Arthur." Merlin answered, making the blond smile and move forwards to capture his lips once more.

* * *

The next morning Uther was pacing in the throne room and stopped and looked up when a servant came in. "Well? How is my son this morning?"

"I don't know sire."

"What do you mean?"

"I knocked and knocked sire but there was no answer."

"Well where else would he be if he is resting?" the servant opened his mouth to answer but Uther cut across him. "Never mind. I will go and see for myself." he said and left the throne room.

Merlin walked into Arthur's chambers and saw his Prince lying in bed wide awake. "I thought you left."

"I did, but only to get your breakfast." Merlin said as he placed the tray of food on the table beside the bed.

"Tomorrow don't bother." Arthur said as he reached out and pulled Merlin who laughed as he fell back onto the bed. "I went to sleep last night with you in my arms thinking that was how I would wake."

"I know how you get when you haven't eaten."

"True, but if I woke you how I planned to wake you, my mouth around your cock, food would have been the last thing on my mind."

"You mean I missed out on the best kind of wakeup call?"

"Yes." Arthur laughed and sat up and scooted closer to the edge of the bed, closer to Merlin and moved forwards and kissed him.

"Arthur how am I to know how you are if you don't answer -" Uther stopped when he saw his son kissing his servant.

"Father?"

"Sire!" Merlin said and hurried to his feet quickly bowing his head.

"Merlin thank you for my breakfast that will be all for now."

"Yes my lord." Merlin said and with a final bow, left the room, glancing back at the door to let Arthur see the worried look on his face.

As soon as the door closed behind Merlin Uther did something that Arthur never expected, he laughed.

"Father?"

"Your servants face then. And yours. I bet you thought you were going to get an argument coming your way and I bet your servant though he was going to end up in the stocks or dead."

"Probably. Um father why aren't you mad?"

"Why would I be mad for you using the boy for release? It's actually better that you use the boy for that better that then you using a maid and risking getting her pregnant, wouldn't want that if you are to one day marry a princess."

Arthur stared at his father. He thought Arthur was using Merlin? Well if that is what he wants to believe. "That's exactly what I thought father. I am sorry I didn't tell you."

"That's fine Arthur. Tell Merlin he is safe won't you."

"I will father."

"Oh and Arthur?"

"Yes father?"

"Don't get too attached to the boy."

"To Merlin? Never."

When Uther left Arthur got out of bed and walked over to the antechamber and opened the door and saw Merlin sat on the bed, tears making their way down his cheeks, not bothered with his nakedness he walked over and knelt in front of him. "Please tell me that those are tears of relief when you heard father say you are safe and not to worry?"

"Okay then."

"Merlin..." Arthur reached up and cupped the brunets face. "You must know I didn't mean what I said to my father about you. It is what he believes Merlin, if he wants to believe it then I am happy for him to as he will think it is just sex and nothing more when in fact it is so much more."

"Really?"

"Yes. I love you Merlin. If I told father all of this then we would be seriously in trouble, you heard him yourself, he wants me to marry a Princess."

"When the time comes then -"

"Then we will work out how to avoid it Merlin for I want no one but you. I only plan on marrying once and that will be to you as soon as I am King."

"Really?"

"Really really."

"I love you too Arthur." Merlin said as he stood up and pulled Arthur up from his knees. "Let's get you dressed before you get cold and before I jump you."

"You know it is warm, with your magic you can keep it warm, I have no duties for the next two days... I don't even have to get dressed."

Merlin laughed. "You want to stay naked all day?"

"Yes, but you as well, now strip. Your Prince gave you an order."

Merlin laughed harder. "Arthur I have never taken orders from you, never do as I am told." he said but locked the door from where he stood and started to strip.

"Now that's what I am talking about." Arthur said, his smile getting bigger with each layer of clothing that was stripped off.

Merlin dropped the last layer of clothing and shivered. "This is why clothes are a good idea, they keep you warm, and how are you not cold?"

"Because I have more meat on me, you are all skin and bones, come here." he said and took Merlin into his arms. "Thank you Merlin."

"What for?"

"Just thank you."

* * *

_**Epilogue**_

Arthur woke up and turned his head and smiled when he saw his daughter sleeping peacefully, Merlin the other side of her asleep also. Looking at his daughter Arthur smiled, she was the spitting image of Merlin but how she acted she was all Arthur. "We need to put a stop to this."

Arthur looked up and saw Merlin awake. "Morning." he said, both of them leaning over their daughter to kiss each other, breaking apart when they heard a giggle. "Morning Princess." Arthur said.

"Morning Papa, daddy."

"You looking forward to going to grandma's today?"

"Yeah!" Sky squealed as she climbed over Arthur and out of bed. "Daddy packed everything up ready for me."

Arthur laughed at his four year old daughter. After Uther had died Arthur and Merlin were married within a week. On their wedding night Merlin had surprised Arthur by asking if they were now safe to do as they wanted and when Arthur had smiled and kissed Merlin saying they could be a family he had no idea just how true those words were when three weeks later Merlin announced he was pregnant.

As it turned out with him being as powerful as he was he could carry children. Merlin told Arthur he had to thank Uther for reminding him that day when he caught them both as from then on he had to use a spell to make sure he didn't get pregnant whilst Arthur was still Prince.

After they were all dressed Merlin kissed Arthur. "I will be home in a couple of hours."

"Okay." Arthur dropped down onto one knee so he was facing his daughter. "Give papa a hug and a kiss. I won't see you for a week."

Sky moved forwards and hugged Arthur before kissing his cheek. "Me and grandma will have so much fun."

"I know baby."

Merlin smiled and kissed Arthur who then stood back and watched as Merlin who was holding tight onto their daughter disappear with her before his very eyes, no matter how many times he had seen that he would never get used to it.

* * *

Just over one hour later Merlin reappeared in the throne room and watched as a servant walked over to him. "My lord. The King told me to await your arrival."

"Is everything alright?"

"Yes. Just that I was to tell you that he wishes to see you in your chambers as today is to be one of his favourite days. Whatever that means."

"I know what it means." Merlin said with a small smile. "Thank you." he added and left the room.

When Merlin walked into his and Arthur's chambers he wasn't surprised to see his husband sat on one of the chairs to the table, not a stitch of clothing on. "Let me guess, a day in here and we are not to be disturbed and I am to strip."

"Yes. One of my favourite days, we only get to do this when sky is with your mother." the king said as he watched his husband strip. "And how are you?"

"I am good Arthur."

"And our little one?" he asked as he placed his hands on Merlin's growing stomach. "Kicking a bit but otherwise happy."

Arthur smiled and leaned down and placed a kiss on Merlin's stomach before kissing the brunet on the lips. "I love you Merlin."

"I love you too Arthur."

"Thank you." the blond said as he hugged Merlin as best he could with his stomach.

"You always say thank you and you never tell me what you are thankful for."

"For you, us, our growing family, for being you, but most of all for telling me the truth that day and how you felt."

Merlin laughed. "Well in that case you are very welcome." he said as he kissed Arthur.

* * *

_**The end.**_

_**What do you think?**_

_**Review? x**_


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